有個男人已經超厭煩他每天都要去公司上班 ,但他老婆卻可以成天待在家裡 於是 ,他向上帝禱告說 :「親愛的主 ,我每天上班投入八個鐘頭的時間 ,但我的老婆只待在家裡 , 閒閒沒事做而已 . 我希望讓她知道我過的是怎麼樣的日子 , 所以請讓我們的身體交換 ! 」
上帝以祂無比的智慧 ,成就了這個男人的願望 .隔天 ,這男人一起床就成了個女人 ...
他一起床 , 就開始為他的伴侶作早點 ,再三去叫醒那些賴床的孩子們 ,在回家路上 , 還要去洗衣店收送衣服 , 還要到銀行存錢 ,到菜市場買菜 , 然後回家把菜放一邊 , 還要仔細記帳.記完帳之後 , 他清了貓的砂盒 , 後來還替狗洗澡 .
然後時間已經下午一點鐘了 ,他趕快把棉被折好 ,洗衣服 , 擦地板 . 餵完貓狗, 他衝到學校去接小孩 ,然後還得和那些越來越沒大沒小的孩子們一路上大小聲 .回家之後 , 他幫孩子準備點心和牛奶 ,讓孩子乖乖地寫功課 , 然後他把燙馬擺好 , 一邊燙衣服一邊看肥皂劇重播 .
下午四點半 , 他開始削馬鈴薯 ,洗菜作沙拉烤肉餅 ,為晚餐做準備 ... 晚餐後 , 那個死不要臉的老婆 , 剛下班一吃完飯 ,然坐在客廳看起足球賽來!
他則忙著整理廚房洗碗 , 把收好的衣服摺好 ,哄小孩睡覺 .晚上九點 , 他已經累壞了 ,但是又擔心白天的雜務還很多沒作完 ................
不管了 , 他終於衝上床想休息了 , 但是這時那個閒得發慌的老婆 , 竟然還興致勃勃提議要「嘿咻嘿咻」 .他心不甘情不願 , 但還是努力裝得很愉快 ,設法不要抱怨.
隔天他一起床 , 立刻靠著床邊跪下來 ,流淚跟上帝說:「主啊 ! 我不知道我之前在想什麼 , 現在我知道我實在錯得離譜 ,竟錯到去妒嫉我老婆整天在家 ! 求求您 ,讓我們換回來吧! 」
主以祂無比的智慧 , 回答他 : 「孩子 ,我很高興知道你已學到了智慧 , 而且 ,我也很願意把你們兩人換回來 , 但 ......你還要等二百七十九天 , 因為 .....昨天晚上 , 你懷孕了 ! 」^_^
Oh my god, i'm pregnant!!!!!!
小学生造句
1. 题目: 原来
小朋友写: 原来他是我爸爸。
老师评语: 妈妈关切一下
2. 题目: ..一边...........一边............ ..
小朋友写: 他一边脱衣服 ,一边穿裤子.
老师评语: 他到底要脱还是要穿啊~~
3. 题目: 其中
小朋友写: 我的其中一只左脚受伤了。
老师评语: 你是蜈蚣？~~
4. 题目: 一... 就....
小朋友写: 一只娃娃就要一百块。
老师评语: 老师笑到不行..
5. 題目: 你看
小朋友写: 你看什么看! 没看过啊
6. 照样造句
例题: 你 (唱歌) 我(跳舞)
小朋友写: 你(好吗 ) 我(很好)
老师评语: 你在写英文翻译吗??
7. 照样造句
例题: 别人都夸我( )，其实我( )
小朋友写: 别人都夸我( 很帅 )，其实我( 是戴面具的)。
老师评语: 什么面具这么好用???
8. 题目: 好... 又好..
小朋友写: 妈妈的腿,好细又好粗...
老师评语: 那到底是细还是粗？
9. 题目: 陆陆续续
小朋友写: 下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回来。
老师评语: 你到底有几个爸爸呀?
10. 题目: 皮开肉绽
小朋友写: 停电的夜晚，到处很黑，我吓得皮开肉绽!
老师评语: 看到这句... 老师佩服你。
11. 题目: 欣欣向荣-比喻生长美好的样子。
小朋友写: 我的弟弟长得欣欣向荣。
老师评语: 孩子，你弟弟是植物人吗...
还有一个更瞎的…
小朋友写: 欣欣向荣荣告白。
老师评语: 连续剧不要看太多~~
12. 题目: 谢谢....因为......
小朋友写: 我要谢谢妈妈,因为她每天都帮我写作业......
老师评语: 原来你的作业是妈妈写的!!!!!!!
13. 题目: 难过
小朋友写: 我家门前有条水沟很难过。
老师评语: 老师更难过......
14. 题目: 天才
小朋友写: 我３天才洗一次澡。
老师评语: 要每天洗才干净~~
15. 題目: 一… 便…
小朋友写: 我一走出门，对面就是便利商店。
还有一個更瞎的…
小朋友写: 哥哥一吃完饭，就大便。
老师评语: 造句不要乱造...
16. 題目: 又.....又.....
小朋友寫: 我的妈妈又矮又高又瘦又肥。
老师评语:你妈妈......是怪物吗?
17. 果然
上课小朋友说：昨天我吃了水果，然后又喝了凉水
老师：这是词组，不能分开造句。
小朋友又说：老师，我还没说完呢，果然晚上我拉肚子了！
老师：…………
18. 瓜分
小朋友：大傻瓜分不清是非
老师：小傻瓜也分不清
19. 好吃
小朋友：好吃个屁
老师：………
20. 况且
小朋友：一辆火车经过，况且况且况且况且．．．．．
老师：……………
she has butchered english
Ah Lian's 1st Day At Work At Beauty Salon. The phone rings. Ah
Lian quickly picks it up.
Ah Lian : Morning. Tua Pooi Soh Peauty Saloon here. You are
now talking to Ah Lian.
Customer: Good morning Ah Lian. I want to fix appointment to
clean my face. Is your Tua Pooi Soh in??
Ah Lian : Tau Keh Soh is going out 1 hour ago. Who on the line?
Customer: I am Auntie Mary. Your Tua Pooi Soh's customer.
Ah Lian : Oh Auntie Mely. I can help you to fix appointment.
Tomolo Tau Keh Soh appointment full house. Tomolo's tomolo
she got free. When you
like to come?
Customer: I think some time next week. Can I confirm the date
& time
with you later?
Ah Lian : Sure sure. You can call me or fact your late &
timing. Our
fact lumber: jeelo two - two egg one sick for two fai sick. If
you want,
can rock on to our wet side to see our later awertaismen &
plomosen. Our
wet side : tapiu tapiu tapiu lot tpspeautysaloon lot kom lot
mai. Anymore
thing you want to talk? If no more I hang the phone.
Customer: Ah......no. You've been most helpful. Thanks.
Ah Lian : OK, when you free please come & sit. Pai.
Letter to Ah Lian
Dear Ah Lian,
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything?
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly. You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me.
I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me.
Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Who is more pig?
Ah Beng and Ah Lian are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other Ah Lian leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG! "
Ah Beng immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, "WITCH!”
They each continue on their way, and as Ah Beng rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only Ah Beng would listen…
I've lost my girlfriend
Ah Beng approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.
“इ've lost my girlfriend” he tells Ah Lian.
“Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?”“Sure, but I don't understand how that would help?” Ah Lian replies.
“Well, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my girlfriend appears out of nowhere”.
MangaLi
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm"
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife."
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"
So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee)
3 recruits
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah! Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah
Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various
functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot
catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the & accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!
Wah Piang eh!" screamed
Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor,
"R" for racing mah!"*
ah lian n ah beng
Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell
stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo'
(waist) only, where got up
to the 'nee'(breast) one.
Little Led Liding Hoot (M'sian and Singlish ver)
Once upon a time hor, got one girl little led liding hoot. She want
to go to Ah Mah's house. Morning alleady she go out one, she got take come
one basket to put flower. She "do want" to walk long-long so go take shot
cut. Wah!!! she dono got one animal follow her one hor! She happy-happy
walk until she come to Ah Mah house.
"Ah Mah! Ah Mah! I come, open the door leh?" she talk
Then Ah Mah also talk back, "Come in lah I never close one" Little
Led Liding Hoot open the house and go inside door..... oh, solly solly....
open the door and go inside the house, she got see her Ah Mah on top of the
bed. She go ask Ah Mah.
"AH Mah, how come your eye vely big one hor?"
"So I can see you maahhhhh!!!" Ah Mah say back.
"Ah Mah, how come your yearvely long one?"
"So vely easy to hear you one laah!!!!"
"Ah Mah, how come......."
"Aiyaa!!!! SO many question one ah you.... never die before heh?"
"Solylah Ah Mah, I dono mah that's why I ask".
"What soly-soly! Now I want to eat you, I not Ah Mah, I animal one you know................."
Wah! Little led liding Hoot vely scared one, she scleam velyloud but
late alleady, the animal alleady eat her. She now inside stomach one.
Suddenly got one people, cut wood one, go inside the house. He want to save
Little Led Liding Hoot, he go and cut the animal stomach and take out
everything, but he too late, Little Led
Liding Hoot become shit alleady............
Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti
Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the
DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah Cheng buys
bread)
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to
re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big
fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene
in order to calm them down. Finally, after many hours of talking, the
manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for the
song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey of a building and
wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial , they
could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As
they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really had no idea
what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and
hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so
impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?"
The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Time Difference
Ah Beng asked a long-distance telephone operator, "Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator replied, "Just a minute."
Ah Beng said, "Thank you." And he put down the phone.
Ah Beng's Job Interview
Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"
"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".
Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"
Ah Beng got the job.
80% of Malaysians are going to UK to study law?
This is strictly for Malaysian and Singaporean only.
80% of Malaysians are going to UK to study law?
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something I never knew. It is hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter...
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
LAR 、LOR 、LER已经成了马来西亚式英文的注册商标。很讽刺的是，老外不会取笑我们Lar 、Lor 、Ler式的英文，反而自己人笑自己人……
